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What Is Free? A Tongue In Cheek Landing Page

What is free? According to Webster’s International, me and a bunch of other people, it means you don’t have to pay for it. It means that regardless of what the other person does for a living, and regardless of how badly they want your little bit of money in their own pockets, “free” means you don’t have to do anything more than ask for it to receive it. That is what “free” meant before the invention (and inventiveness) of the Internet.
Before my retirement, I practiced law for a living. When I was in law school, I learned a concept that I will teach you now. But FIRST!!!
Wouldn’t it be nice to get what you are expecting when you follow a link? Wouldn’t it be great not to have to listen to a 20-minute sales pitch from someone trying to get you to buy something before they give you any useful information about it?
Have you ever wanted to fly through cyberspace just to grab some idiot by the neck and yell “This movie is boring!” Cut to the chase?

When you learn what I have to tell you, you’ll know:
  • Just why sales pitches can be boring and uninformative;
  • Why people use a 20-minute video to explain something they could tell you in 2 minutes;
  • You will even discover how to cure insomnia without drugs!

You will still want to fly through cyberspace and wring someone’s neck until you (make it so hard to take another breath that they will give you the combination to their lockbox just for the privilege of being permitted to enjoy some of G-d’s cool clear (gasp) air.
Does G-d over deliver! Not only are you allowed to taste this succulent atmospheric gift and learn how refreshing it is to be conscious, but every cell in your body will spring into action to keep you alive, no matter how mean, stupid and ugly you are!
That’s just how generous G-d is! He won’t make you opt in! He won’t make you wish you could go to that sunny beach in Spain He lives on while the rest of the world remains in the celestial barbecue pit just for the privilege of committing a serious felony against Him.

If You Act Now, The Almighty Will Throw In A Few Valuable Bonuses Absolutely FREE!!!
  • You will be able to enjoy the latest in trees, grass and flowers. (We can’t guarantee that those pretty red leaves you picked aren’t poison ivy, so don’t call us if it makes you itch!)
  • G-d will let you enjoy the many varieties of wildlife he has put here and will let you continue to enjoy it for as long as you are willing to stand their swatting mosquitoes!
And That’s Not All!

If you upgrade to a gold membership for just a little more wampum, G-D will let you look at the sky for as long as you want!

  • You will have unlimited access to clouds that can go from fluffy and white to black and foreboding in just seconds! In fact, if you live in the Midwestern U.S., you might see a tornado that can level New York in one swoop, and still have enough energy to take out Baltimore and Washington D.C.! (Kind of makes you wish that Washington D.C. was somewhere around Peoria, doesn’t it?)
And, not once! Not even for a second!

Will G-d make you plow through reams of boring copy to enjoy this stuff! If you act now, you may even be able to drink some of G-d’s own special liquid FREE!
Water is something you won’t be able to describe to another soul until you dump some of it on your new computer. Then your description will be colorful and loud. However, if you manage to convey the clear, cool contents of your glass to your waiting lips without giving your computer a surprise cleansing, you will find that this miraculous taste treat is just the thing to keep your vital organs from shutting down!

If you act soon, (and your friends and neighbors hope you do)

water can be rendered warm enough that immersing your whole body in it will be a pleasure! But you’d better act NOW! Only G-d knows when this wonderful elixir will be taken down and will no longer be available!
People have been willing to pay $1000 just for one sip of G-d’s amazing liquid! These people, of course, are wandering through the desert with no hope of rescue, and don’t have a plug nickel among them, but that is beside the point! In fact, I defy you to find one sentence in this entire presentation that isn’t! (If you do, please tell my family. They think I’m nuts and would be delighted to think that just one thing I thought, said, or wrote made the least bit of sense to someone who wasn’t high, drunk or sound asleep.)
For even more FREE cyber-bull all you have to do is jump to the next page!
— Yes, I over deliver there, too. I am not going to let you enjoy the fruits of my considerable smartitude without making it so hard and annoying that you will want to visit me at my vacation home. (If you do want to visit, drop me a line so I can warn my cell … I mean roommate you’re coming.) —
You will get to read through another sales pitch that is even longer and more annoying than this one! I won’t get to the point until you have pulled every hair out of your head in frustration!
I’ll frustrate you so much that you’ll buy whatever it is I am selling just so you won’t have to hear another word I have to say!
In fact, you won’t even care if it really does cure cancer, give you back your hair, or make your penis longer … you may be a bit disappointed if it doesn’t do that – but what did you expect? In any event, you can’t complain because it’s FREE!!!!!
All you have to do is give me your name, address, phone number and a map of your DNA so that I can Give you the thrill of hearing from all of my friends who are willing to give me a cut of any profits they make because I’ve gotten you to give me your name, telephone number and map of your DNA!
The thrill of receiving such bogus come-ons as “Your Pregnancy Test Is Positive!” “Your Payment Has Been Declined” and your penis is too small. All right, you probably get that last bit of encouragement from your wife or girlfriend at least a couple times a month.
We both know that’s not enough embarrassment to keep you humble. So, for a limited time, we’ll have our staff call you day and night to assure you that you’re a loser. The best part is we’ll do that for FREE! And I guarantee you that the calls won’t make any more sense than the sales pitch you’re reading now!
I promise that if you send me a map of your DNA, and I finally do find the sucker gene, you’ll be the first to know. Now, that’s information you can use unless of course you’re still lost in the desert and don’t have $1,000 for a glass of water, and actually don’t even have a plug nickel even if the water was available, which it isn’t —
And what will you find inside my informative new eBook, “1000 Ways to Annoy the Stuff Out of Folks You’ve Never Met, But Whose Money You’d Still Like to Grab?”  Why made up statistics about your penis for starters. We’ll also make sure you receive such heart attack inducing headlines as “Sorry About Your Accident. Too Bad Your Insurance Doesn’t Cover It!”  and “Your Pacemaker Has Been Recalled! Seek medical Advice Immediately, or You’ll Die!” Yes, we’ll make you jump through more hoops than a trained seal, and we will do it for FREE!
So, since you’re going to die of thirst anyway, and your heirs at law are a bunch of lazy, useless jerks who wouldn’t appreciate a plug nickel even if you left it to them, just give me your credit card number, and I’ll show them how sweet revenge can be!
I’ll clean you out so quick, those ingrates who have done nothing but make your life miserable will wish they were the ones lost in the desert without a drop of water, $1000 or a lick of sense! If you give me an idea of your credit limit, I’ll even get anyone with whom you’ve ever done business to sue your estate just to find out that everything you owned is no longer available to pay your debts! Imagine how surprised the banks you patronize will be when they find out your gone, and there isn’t anything left in your estate to pay your funeral expenses, let alone the $500,000 bucks you owe them thanks to me! And it even gets better!

Hi! My name is Lucille. The reason I can make these unbelievable promises is that I used to be a lawyer. Need I say more?

Whether or not you act now, I won’t let you off this page! You and all of your friends can press “f-4” until your fingers are ready to fall off, and all you’ll get is more invitations to read more crap about even more products you can’t use, don’t want, or that only exist in my fertile imagination! Yep, we all know that once you whip out the old VISA or Mastercard, you won’t be satisfied until you’ve exceeded your credit limit by a couple of million dollars and are being threatened with lawsuits by everyone but your bankruptcy lawyer!
That’s not a typo! Your mother called me this morning and asked if I knew how she could serve you with summons!

So what are you waiting for? Go to www.Lucille-Would-Love-To-Rip-You-Off.com right now, or you might miss your chance to visit me at Leavenworth!!

Still not convinced? Just read the 200,000 testimonials I just made up! Here’s a sample!

Lucille, before I read your book, I wasn’t addicted to anything. Since I ordered it, I got so frustrated that I am now addicted to several illegal substances! Thanks!

And,

Lucille, where the hell are you? I’ve been trying to serve this arrest warrant for –

oops, that’ll teach me to outsource!

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