Tomorrow is the insult before the torture. The next day I will be subjected to the Probe Of Misery commonly known as a colonoscopy.
I will have to fast for 24 hours. I can have all the liquid I want. I can burp myself silly on Diet Coke. I can give myself as many ice headaches as I like on popsicles, provided cherry and grape don’t pass my lips. I can knock myself out on fruit juice, Life Savers, or any other hard candy if it is not red or purple. If I get too hungry, I can treat myself to the T-bone steak of colonoscopy prep, chicken broth.
Early tomorrow afternoon, the fun really begins. First, I have to ingest two laxative pills. Two hours later, I have to suck down two more of the little gems.
Tomorrow night, I have to drink two 32-ounce containers of Gaiter Aid laced with MiraLAX. The first of these divine nectars must be consumed at 5:00, and the second must be deposited into my belly 8 hours later. Yes, the second cup of glee goes down the hatch at 2:00 a.m. and must be entirely consumed by 4:00.
We’ll draw the curtain of charity on what happens between the two final treatments. It isn’t pretty, and if anything gets in my way down the hall to the bathroom, it will be downright embarrassing.
This is not the first time I had to drink poison and submit to having my colon star in its own movie. It won’t be the worst thing that could happen to me. After all, I could get hit by a bus or by a meteor for that matter.
Instead, I will awaken after about 45 minutes, assuming the anesthesiologist doesn’t take a dislike to me. And, when I am steady on my feet, I can head straight to a McDonalds and eat some of the kind of stuff that probably made this colonoscopy necessary in the first place.
The first time I had this procedure, no gas was involved. I had to lay on a table while the doctor blew my colon up like a balloon. It redefined discomfort. I was trying to mentally distract myself from the bloating by reviewing the myriad of things I had to do when I got back to my law office.
It was then I heard my doctor say in a dreamy voice, “I’ve always wanted to do this to a lawyer.” Yes, Gentle Readers, this procedure is a lot easier when you’re unconscious.